Scratch

Mind is a weird, narrow-minded, hard to forget the past (especially the hurt ones).

If you are being hurt once, you will choose to forgive, but when something recalls the memory back, you still feel ache. A scratch that cannot be wiped off.

什么是死亡？或许在没有至亲或好友离世前，我们都觉得一切是理所当然的。然而，失望，无助侵袭着我们的思维，少了依赖的人，我们瞬间像断了魂，往哪处寻找让我们填补回心的空缺。。。

有人说，病痛是事实，如何面对是选择。也许，这能丁点儿扶持着正在沉浸悲哀当中的他们吧！

just realise since I take up law, I dont have the time for blogging. there are so many changes in life... and I really hope everything will be fine after these 9 weeks :)

  Just started my uni ! God bless me :)  I guess there will be so many readings going to be done ! :(

Distance

Friends don't last long. it's so true as you grow older. Not all the friends, but instead, we need more time and efforts to hold the friendship. new friends, start to have feelings like: oh, I have to meet new people again... it's so tired to maintain the friendship. new friendship. to meet and to understand a person. it takes time, long time though. even the one talking, sleeping, eating etc next to you, you still can't read her/his mind. She still tells herself, the world doesn't change. even your close friends, you will doubt have they changed? or have I changed? environment , people are connected to our life eventually, thus, if our circles of life are different, it may end up we walk in different paths. not surprising though. She has learned not to adapt whatever she doesn't want(if it is given a chance for her to say no), not to just accept although she doesn't like it, not to follow when she feels it isn't right. Who can tell her why people can change? places can be the same, but people, here, the hearts, you can no longer understand them. The hearts become your neighbours, so close yet so unfamiliar with. She is not putting the blame on others, but as she feels, the views from her and her friends start to get different. different points of views, neither she nor them are wrong, just they have different points of views.

no matter what, just try to get yourself fix into the pieces whenever something goes wrong.

遗憾

每当发呆的时候，一个人影不经会闪过我的脑海里。她曾经活在我的世界里，可是，记忆中的她愈来愈模糊了。当她离开人世的时候，我哭了好几天，也在棺 材旁睡上了一晚。我很厌恶葬礼的仪式，因为，两年内共经历了两次。这会让我有种错觉：接下来，还有谁呢？今年，又有两位叔公离开了人世，张家又少了几名家 庭成员。生死离别就好像一场旅程，大家坐在一列列的火车上，被安排坐在不同的位子上，谁先下车，无人知晓。在我的生命里，有些人中途下了车，又有人搭上了 车；有些下车了但偶尔还会搭一搭顺风车休息，或着，有些人是被我赶下车的。缘，是火车的燃料也是方向针，是指引也是迷津；缘，一直绕着我的火车。

奶奶得了癌症，起初，我不以为异，因为，我知道她不会离开我的。那时候，我就是这么想的。果然，她做了治疗痊愈了。直到我阅读了一本关于一位女生在奋抗病 魔的经历时，我才知道原来治疗是很痛苦的。那时候，我不懂。后来，病情恶化了，奶奶变了另一人似的。她很瘦，脸色苍白，常喊着：“很痛，很痛！”从妈妈的 口中得知，大家都不想让她知道她的癌症又复发了，还是末期。末期，好熟悉又陌生的词。电视剧常演着医生拿着报告，主角焦虑地等待医生的报告：你得了癌症。 看到他精湛的演技，大概都知道的了癌症的心情吧！

刚开始，奶奶喊很痛，很痛的时候，我不知道该这么办；那时候的我才十四岁。后来，奶奶躺在病床上痛苦的呻吟声逐渐地让我习惯了。经过多年的洗礼，我开始后 悔也恨自己为什么那么没用，奶奶病危时，我经过什么责任？我没有在床边好好陪她说话（当时，大多数，她都是在迷迷糊糊的状态），没有为她更换衣物，抹身 体，喂吃药等。我都没有做到，为什么？因为，我害怕，我的奶奶变了。第一次，姑姑拨电话来说奶奶不行了。一行人都聚在祖屋哭哭啼啼的，我也哭得泪不成泣， 奶奶要走了。可是，奶奶活下来了，不是好事，她便得更痛苦。当奶奶去世时，我是在高兴与悲伤之间徘徊。因为，一路以来，我觉得她留在世上是在折磨着她，她 很痛，我们无法帮她，还骗她是风湿痛，拿风油帮她揉脚、揉背。奶奶躺在棺材的模样我不敢多看，仪式结束后，我也把这件事给淡忘了。

中学的生活好不忙碌，忙考试，忙补习，忙课外活动。空闲时和朋友到处玩玩，生活过得非常充实。奶奶的影子偶尔会出现在我的脑里。端午节，我们会想起奶奶包 粽子的模样，我想念那娘惹粽子，只属于奶奶的味道，再也吃不到了。中秋节，我们会想起与爷爷、奶奶、姑姑们相聚的日子。奶奶喜欢热闹，她会把亲朋戚友叫来 一起赏月，吃月饼，吃她煮的佳肴。我的灯笼，是我牵着奶奶的手，她带我去买的。几岁？忘了。奶奶带我去菜市时，我爱买这个那个，尤其是糖果啦，酸梅啦等 等。奶奶都会把酸梅放在特定的地方，每次，我都会偷偷地去拿，现在，同样的地方，酸梅不在了。新年，又刻上了奶奶的脸。年初一，奶奶会化妆得漂漂亮亮，再 派红包给我，给子孙。小时候，我很喜欢找奶奶玩。奶奶会剥葡萄皮后才给我吃葡萄。

“妈妈，帮我剥葡萄皮。”

“剥葡萄皮要很多功夫的，麻烦，自己做。只有你的奶奶这么疼你，一粒粒葡萄给你剥了皮才让你吃。”对呀，奶奶的好，我好怀念。

“奶奶一生人都没有真的享清福，她就去了。”有一天，妈妈悠悠说道。曾经，我以为长大后，可以孝顺奶奶，带她去吃好吃的。原来这看是普通的事情，机会没 了，就没了。我的手提电脑里没有奶奶的照片，那时，我还没有数码相机。她的模样，只是在泛黄的相片簿里，那微发胖的奶奶。

印象最深刻的是在我十二岁时，圣诞节前夕，我到新加坡玩。我吃了奶奶隔夜煮的炒饭。在要搭巴士会马来西亚是，我呕吐不停。一包包的纸袋装满了我的吐泻物， 连巴士司机都询问我的妈妈要不要载我到新山的医院去挂急诊。奶奶以为是她的食物造成我生病了，一路上非常照顾我。我看见奶奶的内疚，我很惭愧。

我是她的第一个家孙，妈妈说从小时候，我就是家里的宝。现在，我可是想象到那时的情形。为什么太小的时候记忆是模糊的？如果，如果我记得，我对她的回忆就 不会那么少了。奶奶，对不起，我没能孝顺你。这句话在我的心里面隐藏了许久，有时候，我会在心里和你说话，你听到吗？你的地方没有GPS，我追踪不到你。 当我考UPSR是拿全科A，我把喜讯告诉你，你还给了我奖励金。当我考PMR，SPM，甚至是大学时，我已经没能向你取奖励金了，没能向你报告喜讯了。

引用张小娴的一句话：“再美好的旅程也有歸途，再幸福的相逢，也有暫別的時候。相聚和離別，愛和恨，歡喜和失落，哭和笑這些戲碼，總是在人生中不停上演。 然後有一天，我們會習慣離別，卻依然掉下不捨的熱淚。” 我們會習慣離別，卻依然掉下不捨的熱淚，我懂了。我喜欢看张小娴的微博了，她的文笔不矫揉做作，写得很真实，让我明白当中的道理。

这份遗憾在今天释放了出来，我的奶奶。请大家珍惜身边的人，我也在学习着呢！

A little boy's story

It's easy to be happy, to receive happiness, if you know how to enjoy your life !
I was thinking should I quit the job as I start looking for University to pursue my degree. Yesterday, I went to my work place. The kids were sitting in the classroom waiting for me and when I came in, a girl said,"Teacher, he bought you a gift." I could see a joyous face on her and a blushing face on him. He gave me a small notebook, ANGRY BIRD notebook.
"Wow, thank you. Will it be too expansive? Where you bought it?"I sat down and he handed the notebook to me.
"No.I bought it at bookshop."He smiled without looking at my eyes.
"May I ask how much is it?"
"RM2."
"Wow."voices from both of us,the little girl and I. He bought RM3 to school and he spend RM2 for me? He is such a sweet guy. I understand why he gave it to me.
"Thank you. Can you write your name there? And date as well." I wanted to remember that day, meaningful day.
Recalling back to the first day I met him, I saw beside him, this little boy was shivering, didn't dare to say anything to me while the other two students were chit-chatting with me, non-stop.
He is a slow learner but he is a very nice boy, a very gentleman KID! The little girl always bullies him and he just dares to say,"Wey, it's my pencil." In the end, he still lets her takes his pencil.
By looking at them, I understand the kids' world now. Remember once I asked them what are their ambitions.
"Doctor!"
"Scientist!"
"...Car Technician."This little boy spoke softly. I was surprised why he wanted to become a car technician as this occupation doesn't really so-called appear in Moral Study book. The students wanted to become doctor or scientist become those terms appear in that book, ha-ha.
"Why you want to become a car technician?"I asked, curiosity drove me crazy.
"Because my father is a car technician!"He was smiling cheerfully. I could imagine a circle of light around his head. He smiled like an angel.

His smile melts my heart. Thank you for giving me a book to encourage me I should continue teaching until I leave to further my study.